Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: itβs like sheβs watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Doubt Iβll ever forget this scene π
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
honestly, i need both:
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now Iβm wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
[watching a movie where kidsβ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked meβwhat would you think?
10: I donβt know. Thatβs never happened before.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Sorry folks, Twitterβs broken. Moose out front should have told you.
9y.o: βMom, how many eggs can make an omelette?β
Me: βWell,-β
9: β-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?β
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?β
Me: …
9: βYeah, soβ¦how do you clean eggs off a floor?β