I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
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Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I’m sorry…what?
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him