Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
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THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media