I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.