Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
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When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.