The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Omg 🤣
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Saturday
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”