[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.