My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I’d hang this in my house.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps