I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
There is no “we” in pizza
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.