Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
You Might Also Like
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”