Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids