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Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
called in thicc to work this morning
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I hope Alan is OK
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!