… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille