Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?