“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed