It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
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To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
set yourself free xox
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Cinematography is my passion