In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
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seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.