[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.