A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
If only.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off