[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
A family that plays together cheats.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast