Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
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I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me