Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.