What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
never compromise your values
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Every photo I’m tagged in
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure