Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Not helping
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!