Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods