My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.