Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
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Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold