Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.