Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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Owl Sanctuary
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: