Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!