Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
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Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
some Old Testament wisdom
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
If only
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker