Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
You Might Also Like
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
*looks at you in batman voice*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.