If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
You Might Also Like
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Is this the real life?
Is this just
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Word!
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits