It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Everyone’s family
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?