Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*