Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Every haunted house movie:
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you