Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
black phone good
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.