I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
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I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
i baked you a cake
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?