I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose