Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?