Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
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John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
all that yoga finally paid off
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*