Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD