[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
They’re stuck in your pants?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Saw online –
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.