Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
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[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The options really are this bad
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
The French cow says MEUX…