passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ