I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’