I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….