Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar