if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
*sewing*
A thread
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.