People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
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[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!